First Love !!

It somehow feels nice to write after so long. I think there were only few ppl who really use to look at my blog and by now they must have forgotten it too, but thats ok, at least i'll keep myself entertained for sometime now. It feels so different to write down in a cyber library when there are people all around u but i think its too late to appreciate the privacy i enjoyed at home. Ohhh!! for all u ppl who dont know, I moved to mumbai for studies, to pursue my masters in Counselling from Tata Institute of Social Sciences (I still cant belive it!!!)

Ok comin to today's topic.. this is something i wanted to write from so long, but i kept postponing it for some strange reason (lets not go into that), but before writing it down, let me warn that, people who are emotionally engaged to some of their things, like a old book or ur childhood doll or an old payjama.. only that kind of people can actually relate, understand and may be enjoy (depends..) to whatever i write from here on. People who are more practical, can find this funny and stupid also.. i dont blame u.. we just done think alike.. so my job is done.. so read it or leave it.. its ur choice.

Everyone has their own ways of venting out their frustation, their negative energies. Some write, some read, some play, some watch movies and so on. My way of getting away from stress was my best friend, my KINETIC, my bike. This blog is dedicated to my bike. People who are already finding it funny.. i told u, we just don't think alike. So for the rest of you, here it goes. I dont want to refer my bike as IT.. i'll refer my bike as HIM.

I think at this point of time, I should thank him coz he taught me the beauty in lonliness, showing me how one can be happy and content even if they are alone. He was my mentor, my friend.. best friend, my stress buster. He made me look stylish, he boosted my attitute, he loved me and he hated me. When i was angry or in a very bad mood, I used to drive fast, real fast and made sure that I bumped into every stone and ditch I encountered on the road, hit every pavement, apply sudden brakes making the engine tired and weak but still he tolerated me. Ofcourse he had his own ways of sulking, like running out of petrol in the middle of the road and getting the battery down every few days. I think every relation has its give and takes, so we had them as well.
He was stylish and dark but i never took the responsibilty to help him maintain his looks. i personally think the rough look suited him better ...besides i loved him any way he looked.

There comes a time when relations comes to an end. I feel guilty even after an year to say this, I had to give him away. My pocket was not co-operating with me to keep him. i first thought that i'll give him to the show room guys where they will recycle him because i didnt want anybody to own him, or keep their hands on him but it slowly hit me that it would be selfish to do that. I agree that I was sometimes careless with him, but i never wanted to be selfish with him coz after all I 'loved' him. I knew I could never do it, so I asked my dad to help me, to give him away when I was not at home. I still remember that evening, I returned home and saw he was not there anymore. The place where he always used to be there, was empty. I had tears in my eyes. But I guess thats how the life is. It teaches you to survive even if something close to your heart or something you love is lost. Life just moves on.

I never saw him after that, just heard that was in the hands of an expert. So i guess, he must have become active again with his attractive dark looks, to love and to be loved. He may forget me someday.. but I can never forget him .. never!! May be someday i'll buy a BMW or a Honda City (i dont fancy cars, so anything comfortable is ok), but he'll still be my first love and the best one!!

Hmmm... this is the bad thing about writing, u start reliving the emotions once again. So u must have guessed that I dont feel so 'good' right now.. so i'll go and have a cup of tea to feel better and u guys can continue with ur work. And if u don't have any, u can write ur own blog too (thats wat i do) .. So.. Thank u for ur time.. keep smiling.. tata!!

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PS: this blog was written by me on a lazy afternoon when i was in my one of those rare moods in which i think about my life, my frnds, the people around me. this kind of writing comes out of anger and hope. i would never want this to publish in a blog where everyone can see it, i would prefer it more to be in my dairy. but i somehow feel some people can relate a lot of things to themselves after going through it. so go ahead and read.

i've just realised that i've stopped writing. the Passion which i had from the age of 10 is dying slowly within me. all i needed was a paper and a pen and some privacy and i had the most happiest moments of my live when i wrote something... i knew i could never write like philosophers or the other dark intense writers and that was the thing i loved about myself. i was different, i was funny, i was vunerable... i was ALIVE. i never followed patterns to write anything. i never wrote for others. i wrote for Myself. thats the reason i wrote more in my dairy than in my blog. some get energy from compliments, some get it from appreciation, some get from other means but i never thought of it. i got it from myself. i had this tank full of energy which multiplied whenever i got tired and so i never ran out of it.... people around me were aware of it and so they always choose to be around me. i loved everyone, everyone loved me back. i enjoyed helping others.. i thought i was more human than many of them around me. i asked for no gratitude and i never expected it. but whenever i got ignored by the same people, i felt bad coz i never expected that from them. but i forgave them .. yes, sulked a little but finally forgave them.. but i was never aware of them taking it as my weakness. i was never aware of it.

now that i am realising a few things, i feel sorry for myself. i feel sorry b'coz i thought everything in this world was good. my world was with colours i wanted. and now that i am seeing the greys around me, i feel sad. sad to allow myself dream a second longer, to expect all good from others, to blindly believe that everthing with me was going on well. i've seen bad things, sad things, miserable things around me in these years... if it would have been someone else, i am not sure how long they would have carried on but i did. i dont call myself strong because i find people around me weak. i call myself strong b'coz i know I AM strong. strong enough to be alone through days of misery. some my call it depression but i dont name it that way. it would be the last word in my dictonary.
Do i change for the world or be the way i wanted to be?? .. i've been asking this question for a very long time now and suddenly i've realised, is it even worth to think of a question like that. how can i change for the sake of the world when i am in love with myself. beacuse i believe, until u love ur ownself, u cannot be ALIVE. yes, a few things in me have changed this time. i am not too much worried about others than me. i dont want to help others unless they ask me to. i will not take things for granted unless they open thier mouth and speak. i am in no mood to kill my selfrespect and answer them before they even think of the question. but the major part of me still remains the same.. untouched and undisturbed. People can never change my ideals, my thinking. the only thing they can make me do... is to make me Stonger.... the more pain i see, the misery i face... it can only make me STRONGER b'coz i am in no mood of breaking down.

after reading all this, if u think i have a major ego problem.. then i dont stop u from calling me a EGOIST

Reality Bites!!!

hey guys.. how r ya. i usually start with this line insipte of the fact that nobody actually bothers to see my blog or comment and all that but it kind of gives me a line to start something, to bore u ppl for the next five mins.
there is so much happening in life, not mine, in lives of ppl around me like my sis got shortlisted for IIM Banglore ( she still can't believe it), my frnd is getting married ( now this is something i cant believe coz come on she is still wat?? 22.. and she is getting married.. MARRIED!!! but lemme tell u something, if i am permitted to do the kind of shopping she is doin right now i dont mind getting married tommorow either but jokes apart i am vry happy for her and god bless her), another frnd of mine got this Govt job after a lot of struggle ( i am veryy happy for him and god bless him too). so havin all these ppl around me, i didn't find anything specific in my life to write about until yesterday.
before i start my story, i request u ppl to remember the dettol or some soap ad in which the small kid saves the little puppy and her mother is all happy about it and if u are a telugu, just keep in mind the scene from the movie Ninnepelladatha in which Tabu saves the little doggy and soon it becomes a part of the family and they live happily ever after. In all these movies these kind hearts save the dogs on roads and they turn out to be thier best friends but lemme tel u something, those are just movies, i will put the light on the reality now.

now getting with the story... i had a very nasty day with a very bad mood through out and finally decided to go to RamaKrishna Mission to find some peace to sulk some more. i asked my sister whether she was coming with me. as usual she said yes ( she just needs a reason to come out). so we got all ready and i started my kinectic to leave.
i just reached the main road where i saw something which made me stop. there was this cute little white pup on the road, looking confused in the traffic. one hit by a vehicle and it would have gone to knock the doors of the heaven (or hell, who knows??). so as i said, the traffic was in its peak time and everyone were trying to get their way without hitting the poor thing. there were people around but no one bothered to save it, infact they were seeing it as if they were watching a film ( i hate people who don't love animals) . seeing this my heart melted, the animal lover in me woke up, i felt like saving this vunerable creature from this cruel world and thats exactly wat i did.
i stopped my kinetic, parked it aside and asked my sister to wait. i think even she was confused like the creature out there not knowing wat i'll do next. i went near it and tried calling it as i usually cal my doggy like moo- moo, chuu- chuu the kind of code language which i guess only dogs understand but this dog clearly didn't coz it didnt even bother to pay attention to me insipte of seeing me. poor thing, its afraid, i thought. i finally decided to take the situation in hands coz by this time everybody around me was watching me like perfect audience including my sister while i was doin my silly act. so i waited a minute for the traffic to clear and just when it did, i went behind it to hold it in my arms where it will feel secure.
as soon as i tried holding it, i felt two sharp teeth piercing into my skin right through my palm. "ooch" i said loudly and took a step back. everything happened in a split second that i didnt understand how it all happened. i saw my sisters expression and realised she was looking at my palm with a kind of " oh my god!!" expression on her face. by this time i felt something wet on my palm and realised why she was shocked. my palm now was red in colour, with my blood ofcourse.
i didnt know wat to do, all i wanted was some water to wash it coz i still remember the first aid for dog bite which was told to me in school (biology or some other subject, i dont remember). by this time everyone around me started paying more interest to me ( i guess they started enjoying themselves by this time coz the act was at its best). fortunately some lady who was selling some flowers there came to me and helped me in washing the wound. then she said something that took my attention from the pain for a second. she said that the dog was there only for a very long time and it was going around in circles and it might be crazy. that minute i took a good look at the dog. yes.., yes!! it was going in circles and it must be mad to go like that in traffic. crap!!! that stupid dog is mad.. a MAD dog bite me!!!!! some uncle beside me smiled at the expression on my face.. silly uncle!!.
" auto , auto" i called out in anger ( i felt angry on that uncle who was laughing by this time now and part of me was screaming at me like (" why the HELL do u do all these CRAZY stuff?? ") and then we rushed to the hospital.

u must have guessed wat wat happened nxt, two injections on my both arms ( Ooocchh!!!) and lots of instructions like i cant eat non- veg for six months, cant go out in rain, observe that stupid dog regularly and all that crap and not only that i have five more pending injections for my dose to complete including the one on valentines day. while everyone around me will me celebrating their love for their partners, i will be celebrating my love for animals by taking a painful injection (rocking, isnt it).
so that way my story ended and left me with a very valuable lesson which i will remember for the rest of my life. " always mind ur own bussiness and donot, i repeat, DONOT interfere in things without thinking and don't help unnecessarily without them asking ". this holds good for not only the animals around me but also the people in my life coz after this i've realised that i keep on helping or doin things for people whom i know and sometimes for the people whom i dont know properly and lot of times i get a backstab in return.

after reading this, think about it for a minute, may be u r just another spandana :)

watever

hellowaaa ppl!!.. hearty welcome for sparing ur time and comin to read. before reading lemme tel ya, that u will find a lot of spelling mistakes, in case u don't, consider urself lucky coz i am vry bad at spellings. nxt, u may get bored and close the page before even completing it. i dont blame u, i know how i write. and the final thing is, u got a extra min, then write down a line about this after reading. it somehow keeps me goin. thank u and all the best.

blog.. blog.. blog.. heard this word a lot around. its supposed to be the "in" thing around, somebody told me. to be truthful to u, i had no idea wat this thing was until i joined orkut, which everybody does at some point of time. the first guy i met on orkut told me he got his first date b'coz of his blog. apparently that guy was a superb blogger and the grl, his date was vry impressed with his writing and she asked him out. the latest blog fan is my lil sis who discovered that she was born to be a writer after she wrote some of her own. so finally i thought i could also put down somethin of my own for the satisfaction of writing. i love writing and it started when i started writing my diary from the age of 12. then i stared writing stories which is my fav hobby inherited from my dad. no matter how many spelling mistakes and how bad my language is, i have not given it up till now. i learned how terribly i write after i read my first story for the second time. my frdnz who read that were too sweet not to tel me the truth. in fact they promised to publish my story when they start earning.. cheers grlss. watever i wrote till now was only limited upto my family and frndz, i never tried something public like this. i am also writing my GRE, so thought that this may help a bit but of course i am a easy writer and u can hardly find a gre word in here.
now that i am completely ready to write with my ipod coz i think music is the most important accessory when u want to do something creative, my fingers ready to get to work once my brain give instructions, the climate is perfect and my temper is cool, i suddenly remember i have a problem, a major PROBLEM. i don't know on wat i want to write, i mean the topic. i've seen few blogs. some one wrote about their experiences in the interviews, first day in coll, someone got admitted in the gr8 IIM, someone is flying off, someone wrote about thier love, and lots of blogs on broken hearts, lost loves, philosophy of life. wat should i write on? i am not that achiever nor a philosopher. i faced no interviews, not a topper in my class. even if i have something in love, i not among the types to share it with others.i can write about my frndz but in that case i would be writing a saga with i dont intend to do right now. being a very self satisfied human being, i dont have much of desires so that i can write on them. i am just this average student who is very self content, loves to bulli her frndz, enjoy parties but still loves to be alone, can't live without music,cant stand insects and pollution, has a crush on her fellow passenger in train for an entire day. nothin so wonderful about me so that i can write a blog on. ahh.... y dont u ppl suggest somethin..u guys know a bit, so wat say.. huh