Considering one group identity is an extremely difficult task not only for me, but for anyone because there are so many identities we develop as we move in life. I have so many group identities that choosing one is almost impossible for me because I cannot say which one is better or important than other. They simply cannot be compared with each other because the common ground to compare them doesn’t exist. This was one of the reasons I couldn’t start my assignment as soon as we got it, because whenever I used sit in front of my laptop to write it, I am completely lost, thinking which identity I should choose. My identity is linked with my country, region, language, caste, gender, being elder in the family; a daughter, an elder sister, an engineer, a student from TISS, a dancer and it goes on. It took me many days to actually sit down and filter them. Finally I’ve decided to write on my caste identity and I belong to the scheduled caste in terms of caste hierarchy system. If this assignment was given to me 3 months back, I would have choose a different identity altogether but after coming to TISS, I have been exposed to the other side of the world which I thought was very far from me but the fact was I was not able to recognise that I was living in the same world. It broadened my ability to think and reason.
There will be some identities in our lives which we don’t believe in or would consider them unimportant because they just don’t make sense to you. But people around you will make you identify with them and you have no other option than to accept it because in a normal society if you find ‘it’ ridiculous, people may find YOU ridiculous. So I would like to clarify that this identity I have choose to write on is not done by me but the people around me have made me choose it. So whatever I will be writing here is the contribution by the entire society.
I wasn’t aware of the group identity I belonged to or rather I didn’t consider it to be very important or most appealing to me. I haven’t recognised what importance it had in forming my total identity. I simply failed to recognise it all these years or maybe I have recognised but didn’t know what to do with it. It simply didn’t matter then. But after coming to TISS I was able to reflect back, see and understand its role in my life. I can go to an extent of saying I actually opened my eyes and saw what was going on. I must admit it was highly disturbing for me, in fact it still is. The thing that disturbs me is not that I wasn’t able to react or do something about it, it is just the fact that I thought it was a normal thing that everyone followed.. it was just ‘normal’. There was nothing to look it as a privilege or a disadvantage. I think I would be better able to explain this with an example. It is very common in south (maybe in the north also) for the elders to ask your caste on your face. We never considered it a big deal because of the simple reason that it is so common in the society. But I never asked why somebody should ask something like that which doesn’t concern them at all. I mean I can understand if they ask about my qualification or about my work but WHY caste?? Now after being able to see what caste is from my engineering college, coming in TISS and learning so much about society, I am able to ask at least myself that question.
When I stop to think of the privileges that one gets being a girl from a low caste, I can probably talk about positive discrimination. In this country whenever one hear of the word ‘caste’, the other word that comes automatically comes to our mind is ‘reservation’. If I reflect back on all the years of my life that I can remember where I was aware of what caste is (which will probably come to 6 years), the only privilege I can think of being from a particular caste is reservation that government gives. Other than that I can’t remember or think of any other thing I consider as a privilege about being from a particular caste. Now when we speak of reservation as a privilege, it is also a huge disadvantage. People think you survive under competition only because you have reservation. It sometimes makes me laugh. One line I have been hearing from my 12th class is “Don’t worry; you will get through any college. All you have to do is to attempt all the questions”. It took me some time to understand what they meant. And probably I realised what they meant because some said it directly on my face that ‘you will get through because you have reservation’. My hard work, my intelligence, my efforts, my entire personality was just ignored because I had reservation. It was like everything will come to my feet even if I just sit and enjoy. My entire success was just snatched away from me just because I had something they didn’t. Now, that is a unique feeling. Mixing your success with disappointment brings out a different taste altogether. You will start doubting your own efforts, values, hard work.. your OWN SUCCESS.
Not very long ago, I had this episode repeating again in my life when I got into TISS. I had a few comments from people who were struggling to get into TISS along with me, in fact for the same course. I think just because they were unsure about their efforts, they got this satisfaction of taking the happiness from me to make themselves feel better. People do it and they do it all the time. They make you feel as a loser even if you have done your best, just to satisfy themselves. Hurt the other person who has an advantage which you don’t and you start feeling good, especially when the other person don’t know what to do about it. This is done so much in our society not only when it comes to caste but a lot of things. This time I was in no mood to take that. I made the person sit down and explain that it wasn’t a cake walk for me. I had to struggle like others to get into TISS. Even considering the reservation, I had to fight with others from my category for the 2 or 3 seats which were reserved. I had to literally explain them that it wasn’t easy for me.
The interesting part of taking caste as your identity is, you like it or not, you believe it or not, you want it or not, people make you take it, sometimes force you to take it. And it is done so gradually, so slowly over the years that in spite of not believing it, you take it. What you do about it and how you use it is a different matter all together. What I am talking about is that you cannot achieve autonomy from caste no matter what group you belong to. The funny part is people from my group identity itself would be more curious to force it on to me. If you don’t look interested you are out grouped. I don’t find a reason to be sad or even feel proud of sharing the same identity. I somehow fail to understand that. I have got used to this from so many years that I am absolutely indifferent to it now.
Thankfully, I’ve never had an experience of being discriminated. I mentioned ‘thankfully’ because I’ve seen a number of people facing discrimination at various places from educational institutions to work places and when they speak about it, it terrifies me. I am not sure I would be able to take it as they did. On the other hand, if you take the literal meaning of discrimination, maybe I was discriminated without me knowing about it. There is this silent dark discrimination that is done in our society on basis of caste or gender or region or anything. It is like you are aware of it but you are not sure if you are thinking right about it or who knows, you may be imagining things. But somewhere you know you have a gut feeling that you are thinking right. It doesn’t stay with you all the time but comes back to you at certain times. For example, I have seen people who are afraid to continue their relation because of caste because they know it will not work. The best part about my engineering college was people from high caste would choose their partners to fall in love with only after knowing their caste. I had to laugh when I heard that. But later I was shocked to see that it was really happening before me. I mean I can understand choosing your partner for marriage depending on your caste but how can one choose to fall in love with a person, is one concept I never understood till now.
How does it feel to have this identity?? Thats a very tough question. My only privilege being from this group is reservation and it feels good and highly discouraging at the same time. Personally, I would not like to take that reservation in studies, because I think I am good enough to prove myself without reservation but you see, reservation comes as a package, it involves giving you the 15% reservation in education, giving you a accommodation, giving you a scholarship if you are doing well. I can say no to reservation in education but I cannot say that to the accommodation because I am really not sure if I can afford staying outside the campus. So yes, it feels great to be able to stay in the campus by paying less compared to others who stay outside. But you see it doesn’t feel good when people give you a look as soon as you tell them you live in the campus. It is like they give you all the materialistic things you need and ask for your emotional strength in return. So it happens all the time that people around me can see only the materialistic things I receive because only that is visible and my emotions are ignored. I have been very positive taking responses from others regarding this because one, I can understand what they must be feeling because they never got the opportunity and two, things like this can only bother me (sometimes) but don’t depress me.
I still remember when I was in my 7th std and for the first time in my life I heard the word ‘caste’ when my teacher made students from the low caste to stand because she wanted to make a list of them to send it to someone because 7th exams was our first state government exam. I had no clue what was going on and it amazes me that I can still remember what she exactly said and what I exactly felt. She said “ its ok, stand up. Its is nothing to be ashamed of, you people will get many privileges from the Government” and I felt why is she talking to us about not be ashamed?, because I had no clue what was there to be ashamed of (I still don’t have). Probably she was showing some empathy towards us but I couldn’t understand what was there to show empathy about. I still fail to understand whether it was empathy or she was just being rude. For some reason I started hating her after that.
To be a girl who shares this identity seems difficult to me and at the same time it is so easy. Difficult because you are at a disadvantage in an already disadvantaged group. The difficulty and the advantage are ironically related to each other. For an example, being a girl from a lower caste, you are not under that great pressure compared to many other girls from a high caste to marry someone from your own caste only. So you do get the liberty of marrying someone you like without any issues of caste (I am speaking about my own liberty I get from my family). But the funny part is the person I like who is probably from a high caste may not be willing to marry me. This is true because people from a low caste are more willing to marry someone from a caste above them then this thing happening vice versa.
Talking of power and status in the same line would be impossible. But to give a very clear answer from my understanding and experiences I can say ... Power? Yes .. Status? No. The identity I share do have power. I would not like to comment on the struggle the caste people had to get that power but at the end they did get the power. This is not the kind of power to be afraid of. This is kind of power that is kept ready to use when required because you are vulnerable.
But just because you have power, you don’t get the status associated with it. Getting status is a different story altogether. No matter how rich you are, how educated you are, how good as a human being you are, you have to fight for the status which is meant for you while many others around you get it without any efforts. It is given to them by birth, by family, by society. It is like the kid from a rich family is given a chocolate without him even asking for it and the kid from a poor family have to cry, shout, fight and then he may get a chocolate which looks expensive but doesn’t taste like one. I am speaking about facts which exist at the ground level which are hard to notice but easy to ignore.
Sometimes I feel the entire reservation policy has reinforced a different type of discrimination. It is not the kind of discrimination I used to read in books or came to know after coming to TISS but a different kind of discrimination which the educated section of people follow in a very quiet way. Then sometimes I feel I am imagining too many things. I mentioned earlier this dilemma about the truth and imagination which is haunting me from past 3 months. It still haunts me. I start thinking about it and try to think more and I get tired and then I leave it.
2 comments:
And I guess many folks wont have the guts to post a comment too.. But kudos to u sis, grt work!
truly grt work!! :)
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