PS: this blog was written by me on a lazy afternoon when i was in my one of those rare moods in which i think about my life, my frnds, the people around me. this kind of writing comes out of anger and hope. i would never want this to publish in a blog where everyone can see it, i would prefer it more to be in my dairy. but i somehow feel some people can relate a lot of things to themselves after going through it. so go ahead and read.
i've just realised that i've stopped writing. the Passion which i had from the age of 10 is dying slowly within me. all i needed was a paper and a pen and some privacy and i had the most happiest moments of my live when i wrote something... i knew i could never write like philosophers or the other dark intense writers and that was the thing i loved about myself. i was different, i was funny, i was vunerable... i was ALIVE. i never followed patterns to write anything. i never wrote for others. i wrote for Myself. thats the reason i wrote more in my dairy than in my blog. some get energy from compliments, some get it from appreciation, some get from other means but i never thought of it. i got it from myself. i had this tank full of energy which multiplied whenever i got tired and so i never ran out of it.... people around me were aware of it and so they always choose to be around me. i loved everyone, everyone loved me back. i enjoyed helping others.. i thought i was more human than many of them around me. i asked for no gratitude and i never expected it. but whenever i got ignored by the same people, i felt bad coz i never expected that from them. but i forgave them .. yes, sulked a little but finally forgave them.. but i was never aware of them taking it as my weakness. i was never aware of it.
now that i am realising a few things, i feel sorry for myself. i feel sorry b'coz i thought everything in this world was good. my world was with colours i wanted. and now that i am seeing the greys around me, i feel sad. sad to allow myself dream a second longer, to expect all good from others, to blindly believe that everthing with me was going on well. i've seen bad things, sad things, miserable things around me in these years... if it would have been someone else, i am not sure how long they would have carried on but i did. i dont call myself strong because i find people around me weak. i call myself strong b'coz i know I AM strong. strong enough to be alone through days of misery. some my call it depression but i dont name it that way. it would be the last word in my dictonary.
Do i change for the world or be the way i wanted to be?? .. i've been asking this question for a very long time now and suddenly i've realised, is it even worth to think of a question like that. how can i change for the sake of the world when i am in love with myself. beacuse i believe, until u love ur ownself, u cannot be ALIVE. yes, a few things in me have changed this time. i am not too much worried about others than me. i dont want to help others unless they ask me to. i will not take things for granted unless they open thier mouth and speak. i am in no mood to kill my selfrespect and answer them before they even think of the question. but the major part of me still remains the same.. untouched and undisturbed. People can never change my ideals, my thinking. the only thing they can make me do... is to make me Stonger.... the more pain i see, the misery i face... it can only make me STRONGER b'coz i am in no mood of breaking down.
after reading all this, if u think i have a major ego problem.. then i dont stop u from calling me a EGOIST
